I haven’t written here in a long long time. Years, really. Life has changed so much since I ceased to write here. So why am I writing again? I don’t really know. Just felt like I wanted to.
Sometimes you sit in your bed in the morning, after a night of little to no sleep, and you’re browsing on your phone as usual, and your eye catches something.. an image, a quote, a sentence, and suddenly memories come flooding in. Of all those years when you had so much but you were never happy, never living in the present. All your life was consumed by anxiety, anxiety of never getting where you want to be, never fulfilling your vocation in life, well, maybe not even having a vocation. All those years where you should have been jumping for joy for all these graces that were given to you, but you didn’t value them, they were not important. Because getting “there” was the most important thing of all. And now when you are “here” there’s this bittersweet feeling of longing for those memories which you never enjoyed when they were the present. Of quiet afternoons in your flat back home with the sun streaming through the windows, with your mum & your cat & a good cup of coffee & a good book. Of travels to beautiful places, of family gatherings, of wonderful times of prayer when you felt so connected to God.
And it’s not like you want to go back there now when really your deepest dreams are being fulfilled. But the sorrow of that lost time when you couldn’t appreciate it because you were not yet formed into the person you were meant to be. You haven’t grown enough. Your heart was small, full of envy and mean-spiritedness, your ego was the only thing that mattered, you thought the world hated you when in fact you hated the world. All the talents & people you wasted because they were not good enough for you. All those new fashionable clothes you kept buying thinking that they’ll make you into a different person. “Vanity of vanities! All is vanity.”
And now we move forward. We don’t make the same mistakes again. We love, we believe, we appreciate, we are grateful. We know that the world doesn’t revolve around us yet everything we get is a gift. And now more than ever we strive to grow into the people we were always meant to be.