Sometimes I wonder what is real. I feel like I spend so much time hooked up on some imaginary struggles, competing, goals. And then reality strikes me and I understand how stupid and shallow all of it is. What’s more, I understand that this is not what I want. I want what is REAL. I want fairytales, I want kindness, I want purity, I want magic. All those things that I read about in books and which resonate deeply with my soul.
It breaks my heart to see how messed up people are nowadays and how I’m constantly partaking in that mess myself. But then sometimes I see something or a memory suddenly comes back in a flash, and it’s as if a veil falls off my face and I suddenly see how petty and intangible, how unreal my worries and concerns are. How useless and petty and damaging all this competing and jealousy. Yet it only lasts for a moment, this clarity, and then I fall back into the deep well of untruths.
I feel like I’ve become a fraction of my real self. I have been pursuing what I think would make me happy, finally make me happy, but maybe not in the right way and not in the right places. I remember being happy in the past but I haven’t felt that way for what feels like centuries. I feel like change is due but I’m not yet sure what the right change for me is.
Sorry for this post being rather raw and not making that much sense. But I called this blog Unedited for a reason and it will always remain so, raw and true to who I am.
Thanks for reading xx