Why do I constantly feel that what I have to say doesn’t matter? I feel like people, even my friends, don’t want to listen to my stories or even hear my voice; that it bores them, makes them feel uncomfortable, that they’d rather talk to someone else. As a result, I always get super self-conscious in situations where I have to speak in front of people, even in one-on-one situations when I’m telling a story. I always rush my words and end up not saying half of what I wanted to say for fear of boring people. I feel like everything I do is wrong: the way I walk, the way I talk, my words, my actions, even my facial expressions. I feel so inappropriate half the time. I constantly censor myself in every way imaginable and as a result look anxious, tense and insecure.
It gets so bad that I often feel that no one genuinely likes me, that even the friends that I have only hang out with me because a) they pity me b) they have nothing better to do. It’s really really painful. I obviously understand that objectively speaking this might not be true, but the trauma I experienced growing up speaks for itself and tells me this is exactly how it is.
I wish I could see my good qualities. I know that in theory I have some, but when I’m being honest with myself I can’t come up with a single thing I like about myself. When people approach me and show interest in me, I’m deeply suspicious. I never truly believe any compliments I get but even the smallest unintentional slight seems to define me forever.
Is there a way out of this? I want to get out of this self-destructive mindset but how can I really know if someone is being genuine with me? Or else I spend my life feeling like a monster.