I must admit I was finding it hard to write this last week. It was difficult to find inspiration. I think I spent most of the week fighting, fighting against the evil anxiety monster who is actively trying to drag me back into his paws, now that I finally found courage to free myself from that cage.
In human words, I was, and still am, fighting a spiritual battle. Since I decided to resist all the negative thoughts and worries that used to cloud my mind so often, they became even more persistent. So this week hasn’t been easy and I had to constantly remind myself that they are not true.
However, I also had lots of little joys this week, and I’d like to focus on those. One of my close friends was celebrating her 28th birthday which resulted in a bunch of us going out for karaoke, food and movies a couple of nights in a row. I also went out to play bowling with some people I knew and it was really awesome. I was kind of anxious about it because most of the people going weren’t close friends to me, but I ended up having so much fun and some fascinating conversations. I also rewatched the LOTR trilogy and am now in the middle of rewatching Hobbit. The LOTR and everything that circles around it is my favourite movie/storyline ever and I find it very therapeutic to watch when I have some spare time. I was also quite pleasantly surprised at the last couple of days at work. People were really nice to me, and I had good fun and even some cuddles with my colleagues.
What I realised this week is that people make me happy. I’m very scared of them but once we tame each other, they can bring me a lot of happiness. However, the key to my being happy with them is not caring, not worrying what they think of me and if they like me. It’s incredibly hard to achieve but once I focus on them and try to love them instead of trying to make them love me, everything sort of falls into place. And people who I once really disliked become my foxes – foxes are my favourite animal so that’s why I call them that fondly. Foxes also are hard to tame, but once you do they’re absolutely adorable and such happy animals!
I am also in the process of trying to recover my latest film from a student-director that I’d worked with on three projects previously. It turned out pretty hard to get it although I know the film must have been done ages ago. I’d like to see the end result as I had put a lot of work in it, but c’est la vie, you know. And yes, filming is hard work and as an actor there’s a lot of time spent just hanging around waiting for the crew to set up the equipment, lighting and discuss the shots that need to be done. I am also no stranger to standing in a freezing wind with no jacket on, in rain, with make up running down my face, filming a dramatic shot which will fill exactly ten seconds of the film. But it kind of makes me happy as it feels more like a real job, not just a hobby. Real jobs almost exclusively all have routine and tiring phases, and working on a film with dedicated people must have those too.
So this is it, just a little update on what’s going on with me. There’s so much happening inside my mind and soul right now. However, I find it very hard to put it in writing as it’s all very fragmented and there’s no real conclusion yet.
but it will come at some point, I know it will
Tell me about your week/experiences in the comments if you’d like to!