I love being able to create. It’s often hard to explain to people with a non-creative brain (or less creative, as I believe that every one of us has a spark of creativity within, sometimes much too long ignored, sometimes expressed in ways that don’t seem directly artistic) what it is exactly that makes creating as essential for my soul as the air is for my lungs.
I spent last year auditioning for drama schools and preparing for those auditions through acting workshops and working with a private coach whom I greatly admire. No doubt, it has been one of the hardest years of my life. Before being accepted to one drama school I have had quite a few rejections from others. If you ever went for your biggest creative dream and then were in some form told you’re not good enough (even if only through rejection of a school that takes about 20 people out of 3000 auditionees), you will know how it feels. It literally feels like your heart is ripped in two and trampled on the ground. I had to go through quite a few of those experiences last year.
However, when I look back, I still remember some of that year with unmistakable fondness. As much as I was tense, terrified, anxious pretty much all the time, as much as I hated those heartbreaking experiences, I still, to my surprise, really enjoyed the process. Because through workshops, private coaching and doing a few student films I got to do acting more than I do it now that the auditions are over and I’m just working away and waiting for the semester to start. In a way, I don’t have to deal with this anxiety anymore. But I also feel that my life is lacking that element, and to have those amazing experiences is makes the anxiety almost worth it. To be honest, anytime I’m performing, be it a play, a workshop or an audition, I am scared. Sometimes terrified out of my wits. Whatever the circumstances, acting (and all creative work) is putting yourself, your heart out there for judgement. And yet the feeling that I get from simply doing it is something that makes me feel so completely alive.
I feel like those of you who have experienced this feeling will know what I’m talking about. When I don’t act or do anything art-related for a long time, I start feeling suffocated. Like really suffocated. When I do it, I feel more alive than ever. It’s crazy when you think about it. Most artists not only like creating, they essentially need it in order to feel alive.
I started reading and working on The Artist’s Way a little while ago. Yesterday I finished my first week and I already feel like I discovered so much about myself and why I feel so reluctant to create sometimes, even when my heart longs for it. Most artists are very sensitive. This sensitivity gives them a higher capacity to experience and recreate the world, but at the same time makes them very vulnerable for any harsh words or rejection. It’s amazing when you feel confident and free creating, but if you have been brought up in less than ideal environment where you were never encouraged to think that what you have to say through your Art is worth anything, then this blocked creativity becomes an eternal frustration. You can’t help longing for it as if it was your true home, yet you can’t do it either because you were told (often implicitly) that you were not good enough or that it wasn’t a smart choice, that creativeness will make you crazy and you won’t be able to function in a normal human society. Which I realize were all lies because through creating I actually have discovered my identity and it became much easier for me to live in the society because I know myself and I know what makes me feel truly alive. I also discovered how many people in my life were supportive, and not opposed to my creativity once I let myself do it.
I’d love to know your thoughts on creativity and whether having a creative brain for you is a blessing or otherwise.