Personal

The Seasons of Longing

Some periods in life could be called The Seasons of Longing. Those times when your heart and your whole being is so full of desire that it’s almost leaking over the brim, but the fulfillment of this desire is still lurking in the shadows of a vague, misty future. You’re afraid that this fulfillment is never going to happen, yet the nature of the desire itself whispers that it was made to be realized.

How do you argue with that? You don’t. You just have to learn to live through these seasons of longing with patience and trust and hope.

It’s funny though. You feel like something is coming your way, something splendid and great, you feel it so strongly, yet you don’t even know what it is exactly you are longing for. Maybe you’re longing to truly live? To get out of your comfort zone and experience things? Joy, adventure, excitement, even heartbreak.

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I remember when the relationship with someone who until now was probably my one true love ended, I refused to feel. When you spend a whole night without a wink of sleep, your eyes sore from crying, feeling like you want to disappear off the face of the Earth, with many many weeks of pure sorrow and grief to follow, sometimes you decide that it’s better not to feel things. I spent almost a whole year refusing to feel, meeting people and even starting a new relationship, but all the while completely and obstinately refusing to feel anything for them. And you know what? It worked. Was I happier for it? I avoided the sorrow of a breakup, of losing someone I loved, of betrayal… I should’ve been happier, right? No, rather the opposite. I realized that I became a robot, unable to cry (I can still hardly manage that), unable to trust, unable to love. Now, almost two years later, it is still so incredibly hard for me to fall in love. I congratulate myself when I’m able to feel things for people.

Please listen to my advice: if you’ve been hurt, even if you’ve been hurt really bad, don’t do the same, don’t shut your heart off and become this robot. Because no pain happens in Robot Land, but no flowers grow there either. It is a land of no life, no happiness, no growth. It is No Man’s Land and trust me, you don’t want to live there.

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Maybe that’s what I’m longing for now. To be in the place where I’m not cynical anymore, where I allow myself to make mistakes, to trust, to fall in love, to be hurt, but also to be loved. Maybe I’m longing to have this childish innocence and hope again. Maybe I’m just longing to have my human heart brought back into my chest again.

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